I had such hopes that I would be able to keep this blog updated but it seems to be falling by the wayside.

We were back at Martin House on Saturday, they were holding a rememberance day for all the children that had passed away within the last 2 years. It was an incredibly draining day - emotions were all brought back to the front again and it just made me feel so sad.

BUT....then they let us loose on Robins food!! That man can cook lol

He made a wonderful buffet lunch and the puddings....well, think I put a stone on just looking at them.

We've had some good news too. We are expecting another child next year. It's a wonderful but scary experience all at the same time. When I was younger, I never thought about problems that could occur with babies. It was simply a case of doing the deed and having the child at the end of 9 months. Looking back I was so naive. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. The 2nd gave me Sophie. The 3rd was ectopic and the 4th is Lily. I'm hoping now that there are enough of my babies on the other side and that we will be allowed to keep this one. I know my family that have passed love babies but I do too!!

I'm thinking this baby may be a boy. Through the 2 preganancies that I carried full term, I had no nausea, but this time, it's all there. Gotta be a boy lol besides, I have boys names and no girls names which is unusual. I normally have girls names picked out.

If my mum agrees, I would like to name the baby Riley James Anthony. I say if Mum agrees because Anthony was her husbands name that passed away shortly after Lily this year. Tez just goes along with what I do lol

It's been a while since I've posted on here. Life has been a roundabout that I would have liked to have gotten off these past couple of months. Reading back on my last post - we didn't have a positive pregnancy test result and haven't had one since either.

With Lily's Grandad passing away, I've had to be there for my Mum. She's dealing with it brilliantly really and holding together really well though I have no doubt that behind closed doors it's a different story.

I went back to work last week for the first time since I left to have Lily. I didn't really want to go back to be honest, I have gotten used to being a house wife and my husband has gotten used to not cooking!! Going back has been a help though. I'm not sat around the house doing nothing all day. I've had to get up and even though I'm not officially off Maternity Leave until the 14th, I'm looking forward to going back now and getting into a routine again.

My other daughter was back at school last week too. They don't seem to be doing very much at the minute lol - she's coming home telling me that they have done nothing but play so far so I'm hoping that they will knuckle down soon and get on with some work. They've just had 6 weeks to do all their playing lol

Lily should have been 6 months this month and it's hitting me a little harder than I thought. I'm finding myself quite teary and upset at odd times of the day and I'm crying at the smallest of things - things that I shouldn't even be crying at!

We should be able to get Lily's headstone soon. We couldn't put a stone in for 6 months because of the ground in the churchyard so hopefully it won't be too much longer. I find it hard to visit her at the moment as there is nothing there but a plaque with her name on and a small mound of earth. I can't remember the last time I went but I do speak to her everyday. She's all around me and I think she understands why I don't go to the churchyard.

My husband and I have been trying to think of ways to raise funds for the hospice where Lily spent her last few hours. We've come up with a family fun day and have been in touch with Martin House Childrens Hospice about this and they are happy for us to do it. I have to call the person at Martin House tomorrow to speak to them about it so hopefully we can do this and leave a legacy from Lily in this way.

Another anniversary coming up....

This Thursday would have been Lily's 4 month birthday. Instead, we will be missing her as she was taken from us far too soon. This Thursday will also be the day that we find out if I am pregnant again or not.

What I would really like and what I am sure a lot of parents of have lost a child would like, is to have her back. I know this isn't possible and I also know she is in a better place right now as she is out of pain but I can't stop these feelings.

I am also going to be looking after my niece overnight on Thursday. I don't know how that little girl is doing it, but she's helping me to heal. I can hold her, and change her, feed her and put her to sleep and I know that I don't have to constantly watch her for signs of non-breathing or fits which we had to do with Lily.

My husband is also helping me to heal. He loves me and is always telling and showing me this. Without him I think I would be a mess right now but because I have his strength to lean on, I know I can get through anything.
I am so lucky to have a husband like him xx

Grandad is with you now darling

Hey little girl,

By now, your grandad should be with you. He passed from this life on the 25th and was laid to rest on the 1st of July. Grandad was very poorly baby, he had many many things that made him so ill and they are contibuted to his passing. We like to think that you needed a grandad with you and so he took it upon himself to be your protector until me or your daddy can get there.

We asked that he give you huge kisses and cuddles from us and so I hope that he has passed these on.

Love you so very very much my darling

Love Mummy xxx

What am I supposed to do?

Over the last few days, my step dad has been getting closer and closer to passing away.

He has been diagnosed with lung cancer at stage 4 and yesterday the doctors told my mum to call the family in as he had hours maybe days to live.

Seeing him yesterday - it was easy to see that he is not the person he used to be. He is bruised and so doped up on morphine he's not really with us. I spoke to him yesterday and he was lucid for a few seconds and then gave a really daft grin like a small child before going back behind a morphine haze. It's heartbreaking really. I am so used to seeing him as a strong man so to see him reduced to this is awful.

My Mum, well, she's holding in there as best she can. It's like Mum is going through with Tony what we went through with Lily. You know the end is coming and you try and prepare yourself as best you can but when it happens, it rips the heart right out of you.

I am trying to be supportive for her - I do my crying when I'm away from her and when I am with her give her an ear/shoulder for whenever she needs it. I really worry about her, she's not eating properly which I do understand but I try and persuade her to have something to eat whenever I can.

My husband and I watched Isabelle today. My sister and her partner had to go to his nephews funeral (yes our family is a bundle of laughs at the minute) and so I offered to watch Issy while they went. She's a little monkey! Most of the time she amused herself just looking at the shadows passing around her but when it comes to feeding - she had a full bottle and then two hours later asked for more but the minute she got the bottle in her mouth she started to close her eyes! Little madam didn't realise she was dealing with Auntie Weez and that I was having none of it and so she took another 2oz before I left her alone to sleep. She doesn't like being put in a basket to sleep. She really likes to be held and was quite happy falling asleep over my shoulder but the minute she was put down she decided to wake up again and start crying, so I put her in her pram and rocked her a while.

Last update we had from Mum was that Tony was sleeping and she was staying overnight at the hospital. Hopefully he will have pulled around a little by morning.

It's Daddy's day

Today is Fathers Day and Sophie was banned from coming into the room until after 8.30 this morning as given the chance she would have been in at 6am!

It's a bittersweet day as Mothers Day was this year as we are missing the physical body of Lily.

I have seen something that I want to get him from Lily but I just didn't get chance before the day came.

He's had lots of cuddles and kisses from Sophie and now is getting peace and quiet because she's taken herself off to bed in a mood :-D

I can do this

I came to spend time with my Mum today after she had the horrible news yesterday. I've been here and been looking on the internet for information that she has asked for and so I am able to help in this way.

I also asked my little sister to come up with the new baby. Not only because I think that it helps Mum having a little one around but also because I felt like I needed to meet her and climb over this hurdle that had come between us.

I quite surprised myself. After spending time in the same room as her and watching her sleep, I was able to pick her up and hold her without bursting into tears. She's such a lovely little thing and I know now that I can be a good auntie to her.

I also know now why I was so scared, not because of her, not because it was a new life after my little one had lost hers, but because I thought I would have the same emotions with Isabelle as I did with Lily. I was expecting to feel so much for her but because she is my niece and not my daughter - I don't. I will love her like an auntie should and I am so glad that I pulled all my courage together and faced my fears.

My Step-dad is still not well. Mum and he are meeting with more doctors today to see what they say and then they have an appointment with the ongologist on Monday.

I really hope for both their sakes that he pulls through this - maybe not be cured but able to control the cancer to a certain degree until he is fit enough to have chemo and then maybe that will be able to at least reduce it in size so he can live a normal life for a while longer.

It sounds strange but I'm not worried about him. It's my Mum I'm worried about. He is in the hospital being looked after but there is noone to look after Mum and make sure that she is OK. I can call her everyday but I live an hours bus journey away and with having a school age child, it's just not possible for me to be there when I want to be.